Gather round for the tragic tale of WNBA “Star” (lol) Brittney Griner, who will spend the next several years in a Russian prison for smuggling drugs.
You may know this newly incarcerated queen from her greatest hits of chronic stupidity:
- Like the time she claimed she could beat Demarcus Cousins in a 1-on-1
- Like the time she missed multiple open dunks after talking shit
- Like the time she punched another player and broke her nose, then was suspended for only two games
Yeah, that Brittney. So after a career of asinine comments and entitled behavior, Brittney decided to travel to the Motherland with cannabis oil in a vape. Mind you, this is highly illegal there.
Russia Isn’t Playing with Brittney Griner
Nuck if you buck, Brittney. Russia don’t fuck around. She was arrested and sentenced Thursday, receiving nearly a decade for her callous disregard for well-established law. Additionally, she was fined $16,000 (which, unlike the WNBA’s losses, won’t be subsidized by the NBA).
Women immediately cried foul and crocodile tears, pretending her treatment is yet another example of female oppression, and further suggesting that the situation would be different had it been a male NBA star. Some people are even comparing her sentencing for drug possession to something you’d expect to see with murder, but we all know that’s an unreasonable comparison – she’s just not an effective mid-range shooter.
The media spread their cheeks in kind, glad-handedly farting out the usual suspects of who/what to blame except the guilty party.
Steph Curry felt it appropriate to cuck up and chime in, deeming the situation “helpless.” Really, Steph? Can you not think of a single way this entire scenario could’ve been avoided?
Lmfao. So much pandering and Russia gives no shits. Sorry Brittney, your F-list starpower means nothing to Putin ‘n’ Co. Pussy pass categorically denied.
Joe Fumbles and Bumbles
Perhaps the most disturbing part of this is the U.S. government’s handling of the situation. President Joe Biden bravely labeled the ruling ‘unacceptable’ and called for poor Brittney’s immediate release. Importantly, the State Department classified Griner as “wrongfully detained” at the time of her arrest, and even kept it that way after her guilty plea.
“My administration will continue to work tirelessly and pursue every possible avenue to bring Brittney … home safely as soon as possible,” Biden simped in a statement.
Fuck right off, Joe. First, aren’t there bigger problems for you to worry about? Let’s talk about unfulfilled campaign promises, record inflation rates, crippling gas prices, and the recession. Give me a ballpark: are those issues more or less important than a halfwitted Amazon answering to due process?
Secondly, and we’re dedicating this one to all the women out there, Brittney is not being victimized. Russian law enforcement enforcing enforceable law is not oppression. It’s the fucking rules.
Debate the severity of her punishment if you’d like. You can argue its validity should it have occurred in another country with different laws. Hate on Russia for the Ukrainian conflict. But she’s not a martyr or pot-powered folk heroine. Stop treating her like one. She’s an idiot who was rightfully convicted of a crime. Deal with it.
Despite the horrible circumstances, we do feel there’s a silver lining to all this: Brittney can take everything in stride and use the next few years to reflect. She’ll share the gift of basketball with her fellow prisoners. In turn, they’ll help her dribble between the legs.
-FR Chesterfield
