The Best Manly Christmas Movies: A No-Fluff Holiday List

Ditch the high school romance reruns for films that actually understand men. From John McClane to George Bailey, here are the real Christmas classics

By Your Bro · Tue Dec 24 2019 · Guy Stuff

You are one more Hallmark movie about a corporate baker moving back to her snowy hometown from losing your mind. There is a specific type of holiday rot that sets in when you spend forty-eight hours watching people in cable-knit sweaters learn the true meaning of friendship through a magical ornament.

The Stakes of the Season

Finding a movie for tonight or tomorrow shouldn't feel like an interrogation. You don’t want to end up watching a Lifetime movie about adults rekindling their high school romance twenty years later when they both end up at home for the holidays. It is a waste of your evening and your patience. Research shows that Pew Research has found that while most Americans celebrate Christmas, the way we consume media during the holidays is increasingly polarized between traditional family fare and escapist entertainment.

As a man, you want something with actual weight. You want characters who face consequences, protect their people, or at least have a sense of humor that isn't scripted by a marketing committee. I’ve put together five classics sure to appease the most manly of men. They cover the spectrum from sacrifice to slapstick. They work because they don't treat you like a child.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

Anyone who says this movie isn’t manly doesn’t understand men, Christmas, or George Bailey. This is a classic tale that explores the meaning of being a man, and of life. George Bailey spends his entire existence sacrificing his dreams of world travel to keep a town from falling into the hands of a predatory slumlord. He stays because people depend on him. He stays because he has a code. I have written before about how you need to stop floating and define your life code, and George Bailey is the ultimate example of a man who did exactly that.

The scene where George stands on the bridge, ready to end it because he thinks he's worth more dead than alive, is one of the rawest moments in cinema. It hits hard because every man has felt that crushing weight of the mortgage, the business, and the family at least once. It isn't a movie about bells on a tree; it’s a movie about the legacy a quiet, steady man leaves behind. Even if he never gets to see the Pyramids.

Christmas Vacation (1989)

Chevy Chase’s ultimate dad, Clark Griswold, decides to create the “perfect family Christmas,” and as usual things go awry. A hilarious flick perfect for this week. Every guy who has ever tried to hang three hundred strands of lights or deal with a cousin who shows up uninvited in a rusted-out RV knows this pain. Clark is the avatar for the American father trying to force a good time through sheer willpower and a credit card he hasn't fully cleared yet.

Underneath the slapstick, there is a real story about the pressure to provide. Clark is waiting on that bonus check because he already spent it on a pool for his family. He wants to be the hero. He wants the big win. It rarely goes that way. Usually, the sewage pipe explodes and the turkey is dry, but you keep grinding anyway. It's a reminder to find the humor in the chaos of your own living room.

Die Hard (1988)

Bruce Willis, a few Euro trash terrorists, and a Christmas Eve party in the Nakatomi Plaza. This needs no further explanation. “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.” John McClane is the guy we all think we’d be if a heist broke out during the office mixer. He’s barefoot, outgunned, and just wants to reconcile with his wife. It is the ultimate holiday film because it’s about a man doing a job no one else can do. I previously broke down why Hans Gruber is such a respectable antagonist—the man has style and a plan. McClane just has grit.

I remember watching this with my old man when I was fifteen. He turned to me when McClane was pulling glass out of his feet and said, "That’s why you always wear shoes, kid." Advice I still live by. Die Hard keeps our interest because the stakes are physical and immediate. It’s a nice break from the emotional labor of the other ninety percent of the holiday season.

A Christmas Story (1983)

“You’ll shoot your eye out!” Full of great one-liners like “I triple dog dare you” and “Ooooh fuuudge,” what better way to celebrate Christmas than by experiencing it through the eyes of two young kids. TBS will be showing it all day on Christmas, but it’s worth a focused watch. It captures the specific, weird politics of being a kid—the bullies, the dares, and the absolute necessity of a Red Ryder BB gun.

It also features one of the best screen dads in history. The Old Man is a legendary character because he speaks in a "profane tapestry" and fights a losing battle against a furnace. He’s grumpy, he’s tired, but he buys the gun in the end. He understands that a boy needs a little bit of danger to grow up right. If you have sons, you need to be thinking about how you are raising them to handle themselves in the real world. A BB gun is a good start.

Bad Santa (2003)

A raunchy Billy Bob Thornton flick made specifically for guys tired of soft, fluffy Christmas films. It has everything a man wants in a film—sex, alcohol, action, and lots of bullying. It is the perfect palate cleanser. Willie Soke is a terrible person, a worse Santa, and a top-tier safecracker. It’s a movie that acknowledges that the holidays can be depressing, loud, and annoying.

There is a strange heart to it, though. Even a guy who has hit rock bottom and is drinking his breakfast can find a small reason to do something right. It isn't pretty, and it definitely isn't something you watch with your grandmother, but it is honest about the darker side of the season. Sometimes you just need to see a guy in a suit punch a decorative reindeer.

Your time is the most valuable thing you own. Don't spend it on garbage cinema designed to make you feel like a character in a department store catalog. Pick a movie with some teeth, sit down, and enjoy the break. You’ve earned it.

—Your Bro