How to Master Conversation: Never Run Out of Things to Say
The long awkward silence is the death of rapport. Learn how to use conversation threading to keep any interaction moving and build genuine emotional connections
By Your Bro · · Relationships
You have been there before, standing in a crowded room or across a small table from a woman you actually like, and suddenly the conversation goes dead because you have nothing left to say. It is a specific kind of internal panic that makes a grown man want to fake a phone call or walk into traffic just to end the silence.
Key Takeaways
Conversation threading turns a single sentence into five different paths you can follow.
Shift from cold, logical facts to warm, emotional topics as soon as possible.
Avoid staying on one topic for too long; wide rapport feels more natural.
Use mind maps to practice seeing connections in common statements.
The Art of Conversation Threading
We all get anxious from time to time, especially when we are forced to have conversations with people we don't really know. One of the most awkward situations involves running out of things to say to someone. Who doesn't dread that long, awkward pause? What if I told you that learning one technique can ensure you never run out of things to say? Would you want to know how to master "conversation threading"?
Conversation threading is the ability to make a free-flowing conversation using multiple topics. Think of it like a tree. The main trunk is the initial statement, and the branches are the directions you can take it. If someone makes a statement like "I went to Paris last summer to study at the university," you have many, many directions you could thread the conversation. You could ask if they liked Paris, which school they went to, what they study, or you could shift the focus of the conversation with something like "Really? I went to Paris last year," or "I like to travel, as well."
Shared experience is the fastest way to build rapport. Even if she is giving you tiny bits of information, you can still thread the conversation. If she says, "I'm going to class," you can ask her about the subject, drop a cold-read, or shift the focus to your own schedule. Be creative and don't be afraid to be different. Mix the expected with the unexpected. You can even combine this with venue shifting to keep the energy high and the environment fresh.
Moving from Cold Logic to Warm Emotion
Most boring conversations die because they stay in the realm of clinical facts. This is "cold" conversation. It involves logical factoids: what you do for a living, where you live, the price of gas, or the weather. It is the verbal equivalent of a spreadsheet. To really connect, you need to transition to "warm" conversation. This involves feelings, emotions, and things "from us" rather than just about us.
What if she tells you she is an emergency room nurse? Well, you could continue logically probing about her shift hours, or you could discuss emotions. What emotions are involved in nursing? "You must feel amazing knowing that what you're doing is helping people," is an example that comes to mind. I'm trusting you to come up with your own. It is my personal preference to avoid "negative" emotions, including stress, panic, and tragedy. Sometimes I see men mention things like "Wow that must be so busy," or "You must feel really stressed," and the person they're talking to sighs, slouches, and begins to talk about all the hardships of their work. These are not emotions I want associated with our initial conversations.
Research published by the American Psychological Association suggesting that people generally remember how you made them feel more than the specific words you used. If you leave her feeling stressed because you spent twenty minutes talking about her grueling 12-hour shifts, she will associate that heaviness with you. Keep it light, keep it warm, and keep it moving. If the vibe is already off, you should probably have some exit strategies ready so you don't waste the whole night.
The Strategy of Wide Rapport
So now you're having an interesting conversation that's enticing the emotions. Here's some advice: Talk about a wide range of topics. At first glance, one might think it's better to talk about one subject and be in total agreement for an hour than to talk about a wide range of topics, but actually a "wide rapport" will help you. Thread into multiple directions, talk about multiple topics, and you both will feel like you've connected on multiple levels.
I remember a date I went on years ago with a woman who worked in high-end real estate. We could have talked about the housing market all night because I happened to know a bit about it. But I realized that if we stayed there, I'd just be another business contact. I threaded the conversation toward the architecture, then toward the feeling of finding a "home" vs a house, then toward her childhood in a small town. By the end of the night, we had covered six different life areas. It felt like we had known each other for weeks instead of ninety minutes. It beats the hell out of an interrogation.
The Pew Research Center has found that social isolation is on the rise and many people find face-to-face interaction increasingly difficult. Being the man who can navigate a conversation without sweating through his shirt is becoming a rare and valuable skill. It is one of the top skills every man should have if he wants to move through the world with any degree of competence.
How to Master Conversation Threading
Here's some homework. It involves making "mind maps" (also called spider diagrams, trees, or whatever you want). Pick something girls say that you hear often. If you meet a lot of girls that are psychologists, write "Psychologist" in the center of a paper and circle it. Then branch it out. Draw a line to a smaller circle, label it emotions. What emotions do psychologists have in their work? "Isn't it amazing how sometimes, you feel such an amazing connection with the people you see?" What emotional qualities must a psychologist have?
From the center circle labeled Psychologist, branch out into other directions. Make a bubble that says "Values." What character traits must psychologists have? What values do they have? "You must consider yourself a very caring person, correct?" Of course, you can draw branches for the other aspects of their job. You can write a bubble that says "College Education" and branch off from there. Every response she gives you is a new opportunity. If you say "You must deeply care for people," and she says she just does the record keeping, thread off the record keeping. Maybe she likes the organization, the peace, or the fact that she doesn't have to talk to people all day.
What To Do This Week
Sit down with a piece of paper and create a mind map for three common topics you encounter (your job, her job, a hobby).
Next time you are in a conversation, consciously identify three "threads" in the first sentence the other person says.
Practice moving the conversation from a fact (where someone grew up) to a feeling (what they miss about that place).
Observe a conversation in public—a coffee shop or bar—and see how many threads the participants miss.
Remember: there is no wrong response. Everything she says is something you can thread with. Stop overthinking whether your next sentence is perfect and start looking for the hooks she is already handing you. If you can do that, you will never have to worry about the silence again.
—Your Bro