Stop the Pedestal: Why Men Must See Themselves as the Prize

When you put a woman on a pedestal, you force her to look down on you. Learn how to flip the script, fix your frame, and start being the man she has to earn

By Your Bro · Fri Jul 24 2020 · Relationships

When you put a woman on a pedestal, you force her to look down on you.

The Death of Frame

Last week, I got a question from someone in our community about improving the way he approaches women. He felt he was automatically putting women he was interested in "on a pedestal," and it was hurting his chances of actually scoring a date with them. I responded with advice I’ve given to several young men with the same predicament. Know you’re the prize and reap the benefits of your confident frame. His question is a relevant one and something I didn’t learn until my early twenties. Like him, I put beautiful women on a pedestal and my entire frame with them suffered.

When you do this, you are starting the interaction from a disadvantaged position; one that causes them to look down on you instead of looking up to you, or at least eye level. Sadly, your frame is absolutely shot. Overcoming this obstacle involves adjusting your frame by tweaking your mindset. For those that don't understand what "frame" means in dating terminology: the frame can be defined as the set of mental conditions that give direction to everything that happens in an interaction. Basically, frame is the general framework of interaction; this is the reality as it is apprehended by the communicators involved. It wasn’t until I learned this that my success rate with women skyrocketed.

Evaluating the Evaluator

Remind yourself that you must evaluate her before you give her any admiration. Just because she looks good doesn’t mean she is a quality individual. Research from the American Psychological Association on the "halo effect" shows that humans naturally attribute positive personality traits to people they find physically attractive. You see a pretty face and your brain assumes she’s kind, smart, and funny. Usually, you’re wrong. Half the time, the better someone looks, the more they’ve been allowed to get away with being a total burnout.

I would bet that aside from good looks, you also value brains, loyalty, sense of humor, morals, good hygiene, and self-respect. Identify your top five attributes besides looks, and evaluate her for those qualities. Take notice of how quickly a "perfect ten" starts looking a lot more average if she isn't passing your test. A woman who is rude to the waiter or has the personality of a damp paper towel isn't a prize; she’s a liability. You need to be selective with your seed and your time, because it is the only non-renewable resource you have.

The Statistical Reality of the Market

Look around you. The dating pool is full of losers: softies, guys with no confidence, no survival value, weak game, and no mission. Data from Pew Research Center indicates that nearly half of single men in certain demographics are not even looking for a relationship or dates, often citing a lack of confidence or social direction. Since you’re reading this, I assume you are a high-value male with lots to offer. Never forget that. There are so many weak males out there, and you’re not one of them. You rise above the competition and stand out from the pack. Success is basically a low-bar hurdle right now because the competition is busy watching other people live their lives on a screen.

I remember a buddy of mine back in the day who was terrified to talk to a woman at a local bar because she looked like a swimsuit model. He spent forty minutes rehearsing a line. By the time he walked up, some guy who looked like he hadn't showered in a week was already making her laugh. Why? Because the unwashed guy didn't care if she liked him. He was the prize in his own head. My buddy approached like he was asking for a loan he knew he couldn't pay back. She smelled the desperation and ended it before he finished his sentence.

The Science of Self-Talk

Positive self-talk is scientifically proven to help build confidence and drive good results. Tell yourself "I am the prize," and remember she would be lucky to have a guy like you. It's because you possess all of the traits most females are attracted to: mental strength, ambition, intelligence, morals, sense of humor, and class. Recognize that these traits set you apart from the pack. The more you tell yourself this, the more you will begin to be sure of it. This isn't about being delusional; it's about shifting your baseline. I’ve talked about how to appear confident in all situations, and most of it starts with what you say when no one is listening.

Once that happens, this mindset will materialize in your body language. You won't fidget. You won't look at the floor. Your frame will communicate you have plenty to offer the lady lucky enough to earn your companionship. If you believe it, so will other people. If she isn't attracted to what you have to offer, accept that you're incompatible, and move on to someone else who will appreciate your attributes. There are billions of people on this planet. Crying over one who doesn't see your value is a waste of a Tuesday.

The Competitive Edge of the Mission

A man with a mission is inherently the prize because his life doesn't stop and start based on a woman's text message. In dating in today's broken world, most men make a woman their entire world within three days of meeting her. It’s smothering and it’s weak. When you have a career you care about, a body you’ve built in the gym, and a code you live by, you become the focal point of your own reality. A woman should be an addition to an already great life, not the missing piece required to make it tolerable.

Think about the men who came before us. They didn't have apps. They had character. If you want to build that kind of gravity, you have to stop seeking validation from strangers. Most men are so hungry for a compliment they'll bark like a dog if a woman smiles at them. Don't be that guy. Be the man who is so busy building his kingdom that a woman has to prove she actually belongs there.

Good luck out there.

—Your Bro