Why You Must Say Thank You To Be More Likeable

Saying thank you takes three seconds but most guys forget it. Here is why gratitude is the social glue that keeps doors open and reputations intact

By Your Bro · · Self Improvement

Why You Must Say Thank You To Be More Likeable

Saying thank you takes seconds to do, but so few people actually follow through with it. You spend your life trying to get ahead, but you are likely sabotaging your own progress by being the guy who can’t spare two syllables of common courtesy.

Key Takeaways

The Forgotten Social Contract

Why has saying these two words become so difficult? Or rather than being difficult, has it become a forgotten component of common courtesy? We all feel it is annoying to be robbed of a thank you, regardless of the severity of the transgression. Think about how irritating it is when you hold a heavy door for someone and they pass by you without a peep. It makes you feel like their personal doorman. It makes you want to let the next person fend for themselves.

Consider a more infuriating example: you paid for a bar tab and nobody showed any gratitude for the generous gesture. Does anyone really deserve to be treated that way? You already understand the importance of showing gratitude for your individual blessings, but that expression is equally important in your interpersonal communication. Even a buffoon like Cosmo Kramer understood the importance of this mandatory rule. As he famously put it in Seinfeld, good manners are the glue of society. If a guy sliding into a room with no job and a permanent tab at a diner gets it, you have no excuse. I talked about why your time is bigger than money, and when someone gives you either, they are giving you a piece of their life. The least you can do is acknowledge it.

The Psychology of the Taker

The moment you forget to say thank you to someone, you shut a door. You create bad feelings between you and that person, often without realizing it. The "thank you" is required to maintain a warm relationship with your benefactor. When you skip it, you send a handful of negative messages. You are telling them you aren't appreciative, that their gesture was unimportant, or worse, that you are entitled to their money and favors. You sound spoiled. You sound like a child who hasn't been told "no" enough.

Research published by the American Psychological Association notes that people consistently underestimate the positive impact of a thank-you note on the recipient while overestimating how awkward it might feel to send one. We get stuck in our own heads fearing we will look cheesy, so we say nothing. Meanwhile, the recipient is standing there feeling used. Harvard Medical School has also noted that gratitude is strongly associated with greater happiness because it helps people connect to something outside themselves. If you want to be more likeable, start by realizing the world doesn't rotate around your specific needs.

A Lesson From the Old Guard

I remember a guy I worked for a decade ago. He was a hard-nosed contractor who didn't say much. One Friday, after a particularly brutal week in the heat, I grabbed a case of water and some Gatorade for the crew on my own dime. It was twenty bucks. He didn't say anything that day. Two weeks later, my truck broke down. I called him to say I'd be late. He showed up at my house with a trailer, towed me to the shop, and drove me to the site. When I thanked him profusely, he just looked at me and said, "You bought the water when it was ninety degrees outside. We're even." That small gesture was his way of keeping the ledger balanced. If I hadn't acknowledged his help that day, the relationship would have soured. Instead, it solidified. I learned that day to define your life code by how you treat the people who help you do the heavy lifting.

The Digital Excuse

Are people actually too busy or self-interested to take three seconds out of their day? As a result of today's digital connectivity, you have multiple means of communicating your gratefulness. You have phone calls, email, text, DMs, and even the old-school snail mail letter. If you can sit on the toilet scrolling through Instagram, or lay in bed swiping left and right on dating apps, you can certainly find time to cultivate your personal relationships and show that you are not entitled. The bar for being a decent man is currently so low that simply skipping the "taker" mentality puts you in the top 10% of the room. I’ve seen men lose great opportunities because they were technically brilliant but socially illiterate. For more on the basics, check out the skills every man should have by the time he hits thirty.

How to Stay Likeable

When you express gratitude, you are acknowledging a transfer of value. You are saying, "I see what you did, and I don't take it for granted." This keeps the door open for future acts of generosity. If you become the guy who always says thanks, people will want to do things for you. It’s a selfish reason to be a good person, but it works. Nobody wants to help the guy who acts like he’s doing you a favor by accepting your help. Eventually, the favors stop coming. The invites dry up. You end up alone on your mountain of entitlement, wondering why nobody calls.

What To Do This Week

  1. Send a text to one person who helped you out this month, even if it was something small.

  2. The next time a waiter or cashier finishes a transaction, make eye contact and say it clearly.

  3. Buy a pack of simple thank-you cards and keep them in your desk; use one the next time someone gives you a referral or a gift.

  4. Observe how often you feel slighted when someone ignores your help—then make sure you aren't doing the same to others.

Take a moment to say thank you. You'll be glad you did, and more importantly, people might actually start liking you.

—Your Bro