Signs She's Losing Attraction to You
She still loves you, but something's off and you can feel it. These are the signs her attraction is slipping in a long relationship and what you can do to turn it around.
By Your Bro · · Relationships
Remember the birthday party in Mrs. Doubtfire? Robin Williams turns the house into a petting zoo for his son's birthday, music blasting and kids running everywhere, and he's having the time of his life until a nosy neighbor calls his wife at work. Sally Field walks in, shuts the whole thing down, and that same night she tells him she wants a divorce. Daniel was a fun dad and a funny guy, and none of that saved him, because she was tired of being the only grownup in the house and had quit seeing him as a man she could lean on a long time before that party.
That's how attraction usually dies in a long relationship. It doesn't go out in one big fight. It leaks out slowly while you're busy assuming everything's fine, and by the time most guys notice, she's been feeling it for a year or more. So if something has felt off between you and your wife or girlfriend lately, pay attention to it now while you can still do something about it.
Know this: a woman can still love you and have zero desire to be touched by you. For most women attraction travels right alongside respect, and when the respect starts slipping the attraction usually goes with it. I covered the early dating version of this in 7 Signs She Is Losing Interest, with the slow texts and the plans that keep getting pushed back. This one is for the guy who already shares a house and a bed with her.
She makes the decisions without you
She used to ask what you thought before she booked the trip or picked out the new couch. Now she just tells you what's happening, or you find out when the credit card statement shows up. It's easy to write that off as her being efficient, but a lot of the time it means she's decided your opinion doesn't change anything, so why bother asking? A woman who's attracted to her man wants him to weigh in, even on the stuff she was going to win anyway.
She talks to you like one of the kids
If she's reminding you to call the plumber like you're 12 and reloading the dishwasher right behind you because you did it wrong, you've slid into the Mrs. Doubtfire problem. You've gone from her husband to another person she has to manage, and it's awfully hard for a woman to want the guy she has to keep on a chore chart. Some guys actually like this setup at first because it means less to worry about. Don't get comfortable there.
The jokes about you have an edge now
A little teasing is healthy in any relationship. What you're watching for is the joke at your expense in front of her friends that isn't really a joke, or the eye roll when you start telling a story she's heard before. Marriage researcher John Gottman has spent decades pointing to contempt as the biggest predictor of divorce, and eye rolling is one of the first signs of it. If she sneers at you more than she laughs with you, take that seriously.
She doesn't care where you are anymore
Most guys think they'd love a wife who never asks questions, right up until they get one. You stay out with the boys until 1 AM or get a text from some old coworker at dinner, and she doesn't so much as raise an eyebrow. A little bit of jealousy means she still sees you as a prize somebody else might want. When she stops caring, it's usually because she's stopped seeing you that way herself.
She lights up for everybody else
Watch her on the phone with her sister or joking around with the waiter, and then watch how flat she gets when she turns back to you. That one stings, and it's also one of the most reliable signs there is, because she still has plenty of energy and warmth to give. She's just not spending it on you.
Why it happens
The fact of the matter is simple: most of the time a lot of it is on you. Guys get comfortable. You put on weight, you stop pushing at work, you hand her every decision to keep the peace, and then you start asking her if everything's okay between you every other night. That last habit is the real killer. I wrote years ago that neediness is the one trait that kills attraction, and it's just as true 10 years into a marriage as it is on a third date. If you want a gut check on whether you've been coasting, read 10 Signs You're Settling in Your Marriage (Bro Chat #166) next to this one.
How to turn it around
Whatever you do, don't sit her down and ask why she isn't attracted to you anymore. That's about the neediest thing a man can say, and it'll push her further away. Show her instead. Start making decisions again, like planning a date night yourself where you pick the restaurant and book the sitter without asking her to handle any of it. Get back in the gym and get your own life back, with friends and goals that have nothing to do with her, so she sees a man who has somewhere to be.
Give it months instead of a weekend. Attraction is built, and that means it can be rebuilt, but she's going to watch for a while before she believes you've changed. If you want to see exactly which habits are draining it, grab my free guide 7 Ways You're Killing Attraction and be honest with yourself about how many of them you're guilty of.