Through the Storm: Why the Hardest Path is the Only Way Out

Life is like a sandstorm that chases you. No matter which way you turn, it follows. The only way to survive is to step inside it and let it change you

By Your Bro · Wed Feb 12 2020 · Self Improvement

You can try to outrun the mess in your life, but it has a way of matching your pace and cutting you off at the next turn.

The Storm is Following You

Haruki Murakami once wrote that fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you.

Most men spend their prime years trying to find a shortcut around the wind. They change jobs, they change wives, they move to a new city where nobody knows their name. They think the problem is the zip code or the boss. Then, six months later, the same grit is in their teeth. The same gray clouds are overhead. If you are breathing, you are going to hit a wall eventually. The question is whether you try to climb over it or spend the rest of your life walking in circles along the base.

I knew a guy in his late thirties who had mastered the art of the pivot. Every time a relationship got hard or a project got complicated, he vanished. He was the king of the fresh start. By the time he hit forty, he realized he didn’t have a career or a family; he just had a collection of half-empty boxes and a very expensive therapist. He was still in the storm. He just didn't realize he was the one carrying the clouds.

The Physicality of the Grind

There is a specific kind of violence to growth. Murakami described it as fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. He noted that it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others. This isn't just imagery. When you finally decide to tackle problems head on, it hurts. It usually costs you sleep, money, or your ego. Probably all three.

According to the American Psychological Association, chronic stress from avoiding major life problems can lead to significant long-term health issues, including hypertension and weakened immune systems. Your body knows when you are running. It keeps the score. When you finally step inside the storm, you are letting the pressure equalize. You stop fighting the air and start moving through the resistance. It feels like you are dying because parts of you—the lazy parts, the lying parts—actually are.

Navigating Without a Map

When you are in the thick of it, there is no sun, no moon, no direction, and no sense of time. That is the point. If it were easy to see the exit, it wouldn't be a test. It would be an errand. Real transformation requires a period of total disorientation. You have to lose your old landmarks to find a better way of walking. This is why I have argued before that every man should stop floating and define a life code. Without a core set of values, the sand blinds you. With them, you have a compass that works even when the sun is gone.

A 2022 Gallup poll found that only about a third of workers are actively engaged in their lives and roles, while the rest are either indifferent or actively miserable. Most of these men are simply standing on the edge of the storm, afraid to get their hair messed up. They are waiting for the weather to clear. It’s not going to clear. The only way to find the blue sky is to push through to the other side. It might take a month. It might take five years. The clock starts the moment you stop running away.

The Man Who Comes Out the Other Side

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm is all about. This is the fundamental law of the universe: pressure creates diamonds, or it creates dust. You get to choose which one you want to be.

If you stay the same, the storm was a waste of time. I’ve seen guys go through hell—divorce, bankruptcy, health scares—and come out the other side still blaming everyone else. They didn’t let the sand scrub off the bullshit. They just held their breath until it stopped blowing. That is a tragedy. If you are going to bleed, you might as well get a better version of yourself in exchange for the pint you lost. You can see examples of this in the most masculine movie characters we grew up watching; they aren't heroes because they avoided the fight, but because the fight burned away everything that didn't matter.

I remember my first real professional failure. I lost a business, a lot of someone else's money, and my pride. For three months, I couldn't look in the mirror without feeling like a fraud. I felt like I was being sandpapered every single day. But looking back, I can't tell you exactly which day I felt "better." I just eventually realized that I was tougher, quieter, and much harder to rattle. The person who started that business deserved to lose it. The person who walked out of the wreckage was finally ready to run one.

Accepting the Transformation

Don't look for the exit. Look for the lesson. If your life is currently a mess, congratulations. You are in the middle of a high-speed upgrade. The grit in your eyes is part of the process. It is meant to be uncomfortable. It is meant to be violent. If it weren't, it wouldn't be able to change your DNA. You are not a victim of the weather; you are the subject of the experiment. Stop complaining about the wind and start focusing on your footing.

One step. Then another. Don't worry about the moon or the sun. They'll be there when you finish. Right now, your only job is to survive the friction and keep your mouth shut so you don't swallow too much sand. It’s a dry, dusty way to live for a while, but the air on the other side is the cleanest you will ever breathe.

—Your Bro