Understanding Why Women Keep Their Exes Around

Women who keep their exes around aren’t just awkward. Research suggests it may be a sign of dark personality traits including narcissism and manipulation

By Your Bro · Tue Nov 12 2019 · Relationships

If you are looking for an explanation for why women keep their exes around, the reality is often uncomfortable: she might be a psychopath. You should probably run while you have the chance.

The Psychology of Dark Traits

No, that is not just my opinion. It is the actual result of a study that sought to uncover why people with "dark personality traits"—such as narcissism, duplicity, and psychopathy—maintain relationships after their expiration. We usually think of staying friends with an ex as a sign of maturity. Science suggests otherwise. Psychology Today has cautioned against befriendng past partners because they tend to be less emotionally supportive, less helpful, less trusting, and less concerned about the other person's happiness. If she is keeping him in the mix, she is likely prioritizing her own ego or needs above the health of your current connection.

Men find themselves in this conundrum daily. You are often called "insecure" when you request that your girlfriend cut ties with the guy who used to see her naked. Trust your gut. The fact that she is still tight with her ex is not normal or healthy. It shows she likely has deeper issues. I have seen this play out with a buddy of mine who dated a woman for six months before realizing her "best friend" was a guy she had lived with for three years. He felt like the third wheel in his own relationship. Eventually, he realized she wasn't keeping the ex around because they had a great friendship; she kept him there because he was a safety net that made her feel powerful.

Motivations for the Post-Relationship Connection

The science is found in a study titled "Staying friends with an ex: Sex and dark personality traits predict motivations for post-relationship friendship." Oakland University researchers Justin Mogilski and Lisa Welling asked 860 subjects to list the motivations for their involvement with their exes. According to the Daily Mail, researchers simultaneously surveyed the subjects to determine who had dark personality traits. The results were telling. Previous studies have shown that people who score highly for these traits are more likely to pick friends for strategic reasons and prefer short-term relationships. The researchers wanted to know if this were true for former lovers too.

Subjects rated their reasons for maintaining relationships with their exes by importance. The highest importance ratings were given by those who felt their former relationships were "reliable, trustworthy, and of sentimental value." However, researchers also found that subjects who had measures of dark personality were significantly more likely to maintain relationships for practical and sexual reasons. If she is keeping him around, it might be because he fixes her car, or because she likes knowing he is still an option at 2:00 AM.

Why Narcissists Hate Letting Go

Psychology expert Dr. Tony Ferretti explains why people with dark personalities want to cuddle with the decaying corpse of their dead relationship. Narcissists hate to fail or lose. They will do what they can to maintain some connection if they did not make the choice to end it. They experience a "narcissistic injury" when rejected by a partner and have difficulties letting it go or healing. To them, the ex is not a person; they are an asset. Often, she's unfaithful because she views people as replaceable parts in a machine designed to make her feel good.

Dr. Ferretti points out that healthy relationships generally make people happier and more physically active. With such a broad list of benefits, it is logical that someone might want to stay close to a former partner. However, for a narcissist, the motivation is different. They may feel their social status is amplified because of their partner—similar to how some men seek "trophy wives" to improve their self-worth. They have inside information about their exes' vulnerabilities and weaknesses that they can exploit. This gives them a sense of power and control. It is much easier to manipulate someone whose buttons you already know how to push.

The Red Flags of the Perpetual Ex

When you are dating in a world where standard boundaries have been erased, you have to be the one to draw the line. I explored this in my thoughts on dating in today's broken world. If she is constantly texting him, bringing him up in conversation, or insisting they hang out one-on-one, she is signaling that your comfort is secondary to her desire for attention. It is a classic move for someone who needs constant validation to keep a collection of suitors on standby.

Research from the American Psychological Association notes that healthy attachment styles are characterized by clear boundaries and mutual respect. A woman who keeps her ex in the foreground is actively disrespecting the space required for a new relationship to grow. She is effectively keeping one foot out the door. If you find yourself in this situation, you are likely dealing with a psycho girlfriend who thrives on the drama of keeping men in competition for her affection.

The Cost of staying in the Triangle

Remaining in a relationship where an ex is a permanent fixture will drain your mental energy. You start to second-guess your reactions. You wonder if you are being too controlling. You aren't. In a healthy scenario, when a relationship ends, most people move on to make room for someone new. If she refuses to shut that door, she is showing you that she values the "resources" or "sexual potential" of her ex over your peace of mind. Narcissists cannot accept others being with their ex, and they certainly cannot accept being forgotten.

If your lady is still in touch with an ex and it bothers you, let her know. If it continues, there is still something keeping her connected to him. This undermines your relationship. It gives you enough certainty to end it. Nobody wants to be with someone pining for a ghost. Cut the cord. She is likely a controlling person who will always put her own needs ahead of yours. You deserve better than being the current lead in her revolving door of men.

—Your Bro