Women & Relationships: The Amateur’s Guide to the Great Mystery

Relationships with women are the great mystery to us all. From the first kiss to the engagement ring, navigate the chaos of dating without losing your mind

By Your Bro · Tue Feb 06 2018 · Relationships

Women are the great mystery to us all, a puzzle we spend our entire lives trying to solve while the rules change every ten years.

The Amateurs and the Experts

Can't live with em, but can't live without em, right? We never know exactly what they want, but they expect us to know without telling us. They don't like how we approach them at a bar, but they expect us to talk to them and get disappointed when we don't. Whether it be the thirteen year old kid that is unsure how to execute his first kiss, or the thirty year old guy that is clueless about how to buy an engagement ring for his girlfriend, we are all amateurs when it comes to interacting with our gender counterparts on this planet, during all phases of our lives.

I am in no way, shape, or form an expert with the ladies. Anyone who claims to have women entirely figured out is either selling a course or delusional. But I've done pretty well in my day, and I have a beautiful, fun wife to show for all of the life experience and crazy exes I've had. I’ve lived through the silent treatments, the “everything is fine” when everything was definitely not fine, and the genuine joy of finding a partner who actually has my back.

The Reality of Modern Dating

Talk to most single guys in any major city and ask them about the dating scene and they will tell you that it's really difficult finding a good girl. Part of this is the sheer volume of noise. We live in an era of paradox. High-speed connectivity has made it easier to meet people, yet harder to connect with them. According to Pew Research Centers, nearly half of single Americans say dating has become harder in the last decade, citing things like increased risk and the impersonal nature of apps.

In the old days, you met a girl because your moms went to the same church or your dads worked at the same plant. There was a social cost to being a flake or a jerk. Now, everyone is a thumbnail on a screen. If you aren't careful, you end up in a cycle of online dating frustration where you're chasing ghosts. It’s a market where attention is the currency, and if you don’t have a strategy, you’ll go broke fast.

The Marriage Lie

Ask any married guy and he will tell you, being married "isn't easy". If he says otherwise, he's lying to you, or he's absolutely checked out of reality. Marriage is the ultimate endurance sport. It’s two different people trying to share a bathroom, a bank account, and a life vision without killing each other over whose turn it is to do the dishes. Data from the American Psychological Association notes that about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce, often due to communication breakdown and financial stress.

I remember a buddy of mine three years into his marriage. He was sitting on my porch, staring at a beer like it held the secrets to the universe. He said, "Bro, she’s mad that I bought the wrong kind of milk, but we haven't talked about our actual budget in six months." That’s the game. You have to learn to navigate the small stuff so it doesn't bury the big stuff. If you don't develop a skin for it, you'll end up as just another statistic. I went deeper into why some guys struggle with this in my piece on how a psycho girlfriend will make or break you—the lessons you learn in the trenches of a bad relationship are often what save your marriage later.

Reading Between the Lines

Women often speak in a language that requires a cipher. When you ask "What's wrong?" and she says "Nothing," she is essentially handing you a grenade and seeing if you're smart enough to put the pin back in. It’s not necessarily a trap; it’s a test of whether you are paying attention. Men are literal. We see a problem, we want to fix the problem. Women often want you to acknowledge the feeling of the problem before you touch the hammer.

This is where most of us fail. We try to use logic on an emotional situation. It’s like trying to play a vinyl record with a laser pointer—the tech just doesn't match the medium. You have to learn to listen to what isn't being said. Sometimes they just want to know you're in the room with them, not just occupying the same physical space. If you can master the art of being present without being a fixer 100% of the time, you're already ahead of most of the pack.

Maintaining Your Identity

The biggest mistake men make when they get into a serious relationship is vanishing. They stop going to the gym, they stop seeing their friends, and they turn into a walking accessory for their girlfriend’s social life. This is the fastest way to lose her respect and your own sanity. A woman wants a man who has his own orbit, not a moon that circles her world.

Research from the National Institutes of Health suggests that social isolation and losing personal hobbies can significantly contribute to male depression in long-term relationships. You need your own interests. You need your own friends. You need a mission that exists whether she is in the room or not. It’s why I always tell guys to keep your circle small but keep it strong. If your entire identity is wrapped up in being "her boyfriend," you have nothing to offer her except clinginess.

Relationships are the most rewarding and the most frustrating part of being a man. There is no finish line. You don't "win" a woman and then stop trying. You just graduate to a new level of the same mystery. Check back here frequently for advice on all things related to women and dating, including: how to pick up girls, things to do on a date, what to gift a lady for various occasions, and even preparing for that inevitable wedding.

—Your Bro