Is She Investing in You? How to Spot Real Commitment

Cut through the endorphins and horniness to see if she is actually building a life with you or just killing time until something better comes along

By Your Bro · Fri Feb 07 2020 · Relationships

You can tell a lot about a woman’s intentions by how she reacts when things aren't going exactly her way. If her interest evaporates the moment you aren't providing a polished, high-end experience, you aren't in a relationship, you're on a subscription plan.

The Endorphin Fog

So you’re really into this new girl and you feel yourself falling for her. You see her as someone you’d like to commit to, and can picture her being your girlfriend. Before you decide to get really serious, it’s imperative to cut through the endorphins and horniness you’re experiencing to analyze the facts of the relationship. She may check lots of boxes by being attractive, smart, and funny, with good values and a solid job, but that’s not all she should bring to the table.

You want to make sure she’s actually into you and not just using you for a variety of reasons. Yes, believe it or not, there are times when women use men for sex, security, status, money, spite and ego. Do you want to be that sucker? Absolutely not. According to the American Psychological Association, social exchange theory suggests that people stay in relationships where the rewards exceed the costs, but a healthy partnership requires both people to actually contribute to the ledger. If you are the only one paying in, the bank is going to go bust eventually.

The Currency of Investment

When evaluating your relationship with this lucky lady, look for signs of her investing in you. You’re not a stock, so how can she “invest” in you? It's currency based on time, energy, emotion and compromise. Consider these points: Is she putting time and effort into getting to know you and creating the foundation for a true relationship, or is she using you as a means to her ends?

I knew a guy in Chicago who spent six months dating a woman who was essentially a professional guest. She showed up to every dinner, drank the expensive wine, and laughed at his jokes, but she never once initiated a plan or stepped into his messy reality. When his father got sick and he couldn't play the role of the entertaining host for a few weeks, she vanished. She had zero equity in him. She was just there for the decor.

Do you see her compromising when you have a disagreement? Or do things always have to always be her way for her to cooperate? Research from Pew Research Center indicates that shared interests and a fair division of labor are key to long-term relationship success, but that fairness starts with the small stuff, like whose neighborhood you grab coffee in on a Tuesday.

The Integration Test

Does she consider you when making decisions, or are you an afterthought? Will she ask for your opinion, and does she actually care what it is? Has she put in time to get to know your family, friends and co-workers? Does she even care to? If she treats your social circle like a chore she’s trying to avoid, she isn't building a future. She’s keeping you in a silos.

I've talked before about how signs her toxic friend may sabotage your relationship can be a major hurdle, but the bigger red flag is when she doesn't even bother to meet the people who matter to you. A woman who is invested wants to see how you fit into her world and how she fits into yours. She wants to know why you and your best friend from middle school still talk every day. If she’s indifferent to your tribe, she’s probably indifferent to you.

Future Goals and Shared Identity

Does she accept you for who you are, or do you get the feeling she is trying to change you? Do all major events and holidays have to be spent with her family and friends, or is she open to splitting time between your respective circles? Do you find yourself consistently being the first one to reach out? If the blue bubbles in your text thread outweigh hers ten-to-one, you’re chasing, not partnering.

Does she commit to future plans with you, and do you help to determine what those plans are? When you discuss the future, does she want to work with you towards shared goals, or is she solely focused on her own? In dating in today's broken world, many people have been taught that hyper-independence is the only way to survive. But you can't build a house with two people who refuse to share the hammer.

If she views her career, her travel, and her hobbies as the only priorities while you’re just the guy who tags along, you’re an accessory. Accessories are easily replaced when the next season’s trends come around. You can see this clearly in how she handles your time. Why your time is bigger than money is a concept some people never grasp; they’ll spend your hours like they’re found money because they don't value your effort.

The Grace Period

If you want to fairly analyze her level of investment in you, make sure you give her enough time to prove herself and adapt to the relationship. Let's face it; being single is easy because you play by your own rules and don't owe anyone anything. Getting into a new relationship requires some adaptation and adjustment, which could take a little time. It’s the difference between a rental and a mortgage. You don't fix the sink in a rental, but you’ll sweat for hours over the one you own.

Remember, it's okay if she fucks some of these things up in the beginning of your relationship. Humans are messy. Just make sure you talk with her and let her know how it makes you feel, and what you'd like from her in the future. If she listens to you, adjusts her behavior, and invests in you, that's a great sign of her commitment. If she gets defensive or calls you "needy" for wanting basic reciprocation, you have your answer. Pack your bags.

—Your Bro