Your Phone in the Bedroom Is Wrecking Your Marriage
If your marriage feels like 2 roommates sharing a mattress, look at the phone on your nightstand. Getting it out of the bedroom is one of the simplest fixes you can make this week.
By Your Bro · · Relationships
Back in the 90s the big fight in a lot of marriages was whether a TV belonged in the bedroom. Your dad wanted to fall asleep to Leno, your mom said the bedroom was for sleeping and nothing else, and somebody usually ended up on the couch over it. That 19 inch set with the rabbit ears looks pretty harmless now, because at least it sat across the room and you were both watching the same thing.
Now each of you has your own screen 8 inches from your face, and the last hour of the day, which used to be the only time a lot of couples actually had to themselves, goes to whatever the algorithm wants to show you. If your marriage feels more like 2 roommates sharing a mattress, the phone on your nightstand deserves a hard look. Getting it out of there costs you almost nothing, and it's one of the simplest things you can change this week.
She's competing with it and she knows it
Think about what your wife sees when she rolls over at night. She sees the side of your face lit up blue, your thumb going, and maybe a little laugh at something she isn't in on. She might start telling you about her day and get an "mm hmm" while you finish watching a guy fall off a trampoline. Do that enough nights in a row and she stops trying, and then you're left wondering why she seems distant.
Most women won't come out and say "you care more about that thing than me," because it sounds petty when you say it out loud. She'll just quietly stop reaching for you. I've written about why a wife stops initiating, and feeling like an afterthought is near the top of the list. Hard to feel wanted by a guy who can't look up from Instagram long enough to say goodnight.
The feed doesn't stay innocent at 11 PM
Be honest with yourself for a minute. You start on game highlights and 20 minutes later you're somehow watching models on a beach, and you didn't search for any of it. The apps learned a long time ago what keeps a tired, bored man scrolling, and they'll keep feeding it to you right there in the bed you share with your wife. Your spidey sense should be pretty high about that.
Even if you never go near anything worse, it messes with you. You're filling your head with women who aren't her right before you turn out the light, and then you can't figure out why your own marriage feels flat. If it has gone further than scrolling, I laid out a real plan in How to Stop Watching Porn and Reclaim Your Brain, and it's worth reading tonight. I also wrote about the secrecy part of it in Bro Chat #163, Your Shame Is Trying to Save You, because that hiding is usually what does the real damage.
A face down phone makes her wonder
Most guys never think about this one. If your phone always sits face down, the screen tilts away when she walks by, or you get a little jumpy when it buzzes at 10:45, your wife notices. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's your fantasy league group chat roasting you for starting a backup tight end. But from her side of the bed it looks a lot like a guy hiding something, and once she starts wondering she doesn't easily stop.
You can't control what she imagines, but you can stop giving her reasons. Leave the phone face up on the kitchen counter. Don't lock it like it holds nuclear codes. A man with nothing to hide shouldn't act like a guy who has something to hide (hint: that includes deleting your search history every night).
Make the bedroom a no phone zone and lead the way
Know this: if you walk in and announce that her phone is the problem, you've already lost. Go first. Tell her you're done bringing yours to bed, then do it for a week without saying another word about hers. Charge it in the kitchen and get a cheap alarm clock. I covered the nuts and bolts of breaking the habit in How to Stop Scrolling in Bed at Night, so I won't repeat all of it here.
Once she sees you sticking with it, ask her if she'd want to make it a house rule for both of you. Plenty of wives will jump at it, since a lot of them have wanted their husband back in that room for a while now. If she isn't ready, leave it alone. You don't win anything by policing your wife's screen time, and leading by example works better than nagging.
What to do with that hour
This is where it pays off. Without the phones you two are just lying there, and at first it might feel a little awkward, like a couple of teenagers who forgot how to talk. Ask her something real about her day and actually listen to the answer, or rub her back without expecting anything in return. Some nights you'll both just read for a bit and fall asleep early, and that's fine too.
Give it a couple of weeks and the bedroom starts to feel like the place where the two of you connect again instead of a charging station with a mattress in it… and if more happens on some of those nights, it won't be because you begged for it.
If the phone has its hooks in you deeper than you'd like to admit, I put together a free 30 day Kill Your Lust Demon challenge that walks you through taking your head back, 1 day at a time. It doesn't cost you a dime, so start it tonight before the phone goes on the counter.