How often do you lie? Daily? In every conversation? Never? If you said yes to never, you probably just lied. If you’re telling the truth, kudos to you; you’re the rarest breed of human on the planet. Unfortunately, almost everyone lies at some point in their lives. Sadly, there are those who pride themselves on their ability to lie; believing the idea that being a “good liar” can help them get over on people. Well, I’m here to blow up that entire idea. The truth is that lying to someone demonstrates you are fearful of them.
Lying reveals weakness. A truly brave man is able to confront the truth head on, because he isn’t afraid of what other people think. Lying is the exact opposite of this, and if you analyze any situation in which a lie can be told, you’ll find some form of fear as the underlying reason for the lie’s existence.
Example #1: Jim lies to his girlfriend, Kate, about going to a bar with his friends, and instead goes to a strip club.
Reason for the lie: His girlfriend Kate doesn’t want Jim going to strip clubs, so his lie placates her and allows Jim to do what he wants.
The reality: Jim is afraid of Kate’s reaction and wants to avoid a fight because he’s afraid of how it will make him feel. Or even deeper than this, Jim’s afraid to have a frank discussion with Kate to get to the root of the issues. Why does she hate strip clubs? Why does she feel the need to project her feelings on to his life? What makes her think she can tell him what to do? Why does he want to go to a strip club? All of these discussion points are scary to Jim, so he lies to avoid facing them. Jim is fearful of Kate.
Example #2: Dave is on a date with Amanda and brags about his lifestyle, alluding to the idea that he earns six figures per year (even though he really makes $65,000).
Reason for the lie: Dave wants Amanda to like him and assumes she will be impressed by wealth.
The reality: Dave is a bit insecure about his income and is concerned that his actual salary is not enough to impress Amanda. He is uncomfortable with his own situation, doesn’t believe his looks, personality, character and charm are enough for Kate to be attracted to him, and is worried about her judgment. Dave is afraid of being rejected because he thinks he doesn’t meet her standards. Dave is fearful of Amanda.
Example #3: Robert is a Trump supporter, but the girl he’s been seeing, Jane, is a liberal who hates Trump. When politics comes up in conversation, Robert plays it off as if he doesn’t care about politics, and says he thinks Trump is crazy.
Reason for the lie: Robert is afraid his political beliefs will harm his relationship with Jane. He doesn’t want her to realize they are not in agreement, and it’s easier to lie about it to avoid negativity.
The reality: Robert is afraid of having a serious discussion about politics with Jane because he fears their obvious misalignment will cause her to dump him. His fear of confrontation will force him down a path where he is forced to continually lie in order to stay with her. His fear of Jane’s rejection pushes him into a phony relationship. Appeasement is his reality, not actual living. Robert fears being rejected by Jane and doesn’t want Jane to know his real self.
Example #4: Stan works in sales, and his manager requires all salespeople to have at least ten meetings with prospects and clients weekly. Stan hasn’t been able to meet that threshold, so he begins creating fake activity in the team’s customer database so it appears as though he is meeting the weekly criteria.
Reason for the lie: Instead of asking for help or finding new ways to generate activity, Stan believes it will be easier to just “make it up” so he gets off his manager’s radar.
The reality: Stan is creating a cycle of failure and stunted growth. Things will not become easier for Stan because he will never put the time in to figure out how to be more effective at his job. If he simply asked his manager for help, he would be well on his way towards improving his output. Instead, his fear of being perceived as a poor salesperson, and his fear of losing his job is putting him at a long term disadvantage . He also risks being fired for lying. Sam’s fear of being judged is jeopardizing his livelihood.
Example #5: Tommy and Justine have been dating on and off for two years. Justine treats Tommy poorly and has psychotic tendencies, but Tommy tolerates it because she is very attractive and he thinks she’s the hottest girl he will ever find. All of Tommy’s friends and family hate Justine because of the way she treats him. When Tommy sees Justine, he lies to his friends and family and tells them he’s out with someone else.
Reason for the lie: Tommy is afraid of being judged by his friends and family, and does not want to own up to his actions. Tommy doesn’t want to be forced to make a decision on his future, so it’s just easier this way.
The reality: Tommy doesn’t owe anyone anything, and if he chooses to be with Justine that’s his decision alone. However, Tommy is purposely delaying the inevitable. At some point he will have to face one of two realities: 1) either his friends and family will have to find out he’s dating her again or 2) he will realize Justine is a terrible choice and his insecurity was keeping him in a toxic relationship. Tommy fears judgement from friends and family. Tommy fears being alone. Tommy lies because he’s afraid of facing reality.
As demonstrated, all lies are driven by a fear of something: rejection, fights, judgment, being fired, confrontation, coming to terms with one’s life, etc. A man who is sure of himself and his vision has no reason to lie about anything. Brave, confident men use their fear to push them to the next level. Fear doesn’t cause them to misrepresent themselves in life. Be a man of conviction. Know who you are and where you’re going. Never let yourself become a fearful liar.
-Your Big Bro