I was amidst carnal relations with 3 Malaysian goddesses when my phone vibrated – a message arrived. Naturally I instructed them to return to their chores so I could assess my notifications with undivided attention. T’was told that some tryhard webcuck named Braden Wallake found it appropriate to drain his bussy on social media, crying over layoffs and spilt milk in equal volumes. Men, crying on LinkedIn is not a good look.
Crying on Linkedin: A Pathetic Display
Brace yourselves, guys: Baby Braden, the CEO of companies nobody has heard of, had to do the unthinkable and let a few people go today. Shockingly, he took to LinkedIn of all places to post a giant, whining wall of text and the following reaction photo, which seems to share the same existential dread as when he was catfished on Grindr.
For fuck’s sake, is this really necessary? Hey Bray-Bray, this is something to tell your stylist, not your professional networking group. If you do choose to consult your hairdresser, who by the looks of it is almost assuredly your mother, you may as well get the 3-for-1 special – hair, therapy, and nursing her tits for consolation.
Brave Braden assures his adoring public that he debated sharing the heartbreaking photo, but wow, the post sure is formatted nicely to not be pandering clickbait. His meek-hearted attempt at real human empathy circumvents authenticity to feed equally weak people the Schadenfreude they so desperately crave.
And the algorithms adore content like this. More tears lead to more engagement, which leads to more exposure. It’s effeminate SEO at work.
But there’s hope. The circle jerk isn’t without its detractors. Multiple people, mostly men, do call out the author for a premeditated emotional strike. Braden does his best to lower his testosterone, deflect critique, and refocus conversation on the pain and anguish he is experiencing, which is entirely expected from a proven sissy.
Advice for Guys
Want to know how a tough situation should be handled? Let’s break it down to two easy steps.
- Do the tough thing
- Fucking deal with it
That’s it. Pressure happens, Braden. You fired a few people. Okay? Not sure if you’re aware, but this type of thing happens in business. Don’t run to social media for likes, shares, thoughts, and prayers when your pussy hurts.
Jesus Christ. I’d buy the guy a drink out of pity, but he seems the type to cry that it isn’t a vegan cider.