Social Etiquette: Navigating Modern Situations Without Looking Like a Fool

Not sure what wedding gift to give that phony asshole at work or who pays when ten guys are at the bar? Master the social codes and unspoken rules of adulthood

By Your Bro · Tue Feb 06 2018 · Self Improvement

Knowing how to act in a crowded room is the difference between being a man people respect and being the guy everyone hopes leaves early.

The Fine Art of the Gift

Not sure what you should give as a wedding gift to that phony asshole at work? It’s a common dilemma. You don’t like him, but your wife wants to go, or your boss is watching. Here is the rule: you give for the occasion, not the person. If you showed up, you owe a gift. For a coworker you barely tolerate, find the middle-of-the-road item on the registry. Do not go off-book. Do not try to be funny. Just get the toaster and move on. If there is no registry, cash is the universal language of 'I don't know you well enough to care, but I respect the institution.'

The stakes change when it’s someone you actually like. If you're picking for your inner circle, it needs to mean something. I’ve talked before about how keeping your circle small allows you to actually know the men in your life. When that circle is tight, you know exactly what they need. For everyone else, stay conservative and stay on budget. You aren't buying their friendship; you're acknowledging a milestone.

The Bar Tab Minefield

Confused when it's time to pay the tab and there's ten of you at the bar? This is where many men reveal their true character. If you are the one who suggested the outing, be prepared to lead the payment process. If the group is large, ask for separate checks at the start. If the server says no, use one card and have everyone Venmo immediately. Do not be the guy who says 'I’ll get you next time' and then disappears. A Pew Research Center study on social habits found that financial friction is one of the quickest ways to erode a friendship. Don't let a twenty-dollar round of drinks be the reason you lose a good contact.

I remember being at a stag party in Chicago years ago. Twelve guys, one massive bill. Three guys suddenly had 'banking issues' when the check hit the wood. The rest of us covered them, but we never invited those three out again. It wasn't about the money. It was about the fact that they were comfortable being a burden on their friends. That is a loser move. If you can’t afford to be in the room, don’t walk through the door.

Professional Grazing

Wondering how to best follow up to that really promising interview? The window is 24 hours. Send a brief, clean email. Mention one specific thing you discussed. Thank them for the time. Then, shut up. Do not pester them. Do not send a 'checking in' email every three days. If they want you, they will call. If they don't, no amount of digital begging will change that. This applies to your overall presence as well. I have noted before that your appearance matters in every professional and social interaction. If you look like you rolled out of a dumpster, people will treat your follow-up email like trash.

The Grey Area of Casual Relationships

Curious as to what to get your booty call for her birthday? This requires a delicate balance. Too much and you look like a stalker trying to buy a future. Too little and you look like a prick. The goal is 'thoughtful but detached.' A bottle of the wine she likes or a book by an author she mentioned is plenty. Avoid jewelry. Avoid anything that implies a shared future. If you’re confused about where you stand, dating in the modern world can be a mess, but clear boundaries prevent most of these headaches.

The Tipping Point

Completely clueless how much to tip ... anyone? The world has gone crazy with tip screens at every counter, but the old rules still hold for real service. 20 percent is the standard for a waiter who didn't spit in your food. 10 percent for a bartender if you're just getting beers; more if they’re making actual cocktails. For valets, barbers, and delivery drivers, five bucks is usually the floor. Tipping is not about 'rewarding' someone like a trained seal; it is about acknowledging the service economy we live in. Research from the Bureau of Labor Statistics highlights how heavily service workers rely on gratuities to meet baseline living costs. If you can't afford the tip, you can't afford the service.

Silence and Respect

Most etiquette comes down to one thing: being aware of the people around you. Don't be the guy talking through a movie. Don't be the guy on speakerphone in an airport terminal. Don't be the guy who makes everything about himself. Social grace isn't about being soft; it's about being disciplined. It is about having enough control over yourself that you don't infringe on everyone else. Check back here for more tips and ideas on social etiquette in every day situations, and at big events. We’re all figure it out as we go, but try not to be the guy everyone complains about on the car ride home.

—Your Bro