I was out at a bar last week hanging with some of the twentysomething guys from my hockey team, and I was put on the spot by a young man looking for life advice. Ten of us were at a pretty popular bar in midtown Manhattan, which was jam-packed with women ages 21-26 looking for one last summer fling. Between a few rounds of tequila shots with randoms, this aspiring alpha male approached me with the request.
This particular fellow was a nice looking, well-spoken 24 year old that is still trying to find his footing when it comes to pickup and relationships. As scantily clad millennials shuffled past us in the crowded bar, he asked me what the three most important rules were for men in their interactions with women. Normally, I’d pause for a moment to really think it through, understanding that this young man would probably hang on every word and adapt his game accordingly. This would cause me to be careful with my message and selective with my words. After eight tequila shots and three scotches, the idea of thinking this through never occurred to me and I blurted out the top three rules I always lived by. It was instinct, and it was spot on:
1- Always be non-needy. This is the number one rule of attraction. Since attraction is not a choice, help your chances of being categorized as a “hot guy” by always demonstrating the most alpha quality: non neediness. The moment a woman sees signs of neediness in a man, she instantly loses respect for him and puts him into the friend zone. This is all tied to our primal instincts for survival and reproduction. Some helpful tips on how to be non-needy can be found here
2- Tweak your mindset: Life is not a Disney movie in which the really nice kid hopes that the pretty girl will like him, does things to impress her, and ends up being with her. Unfortunately, lots of men are trained to think this way, constantly concerned about whether or not she will be interested in them. They say and do things to try to impress beautiful women, and the entire framework of the interaction is broken.
Stop worrying if she will like you! Think about whether or not you will like her. This is the mindset that changes the game forever. You are evaluating her as much as she is evaluating you. If she isn’t into you, it’s a non starter, and why would you change yourself for someone that is not attracted to you? Her tastes are her tastes, and you can’t change yourself, so why worry about what she thinks of you? Instead, focus on how many boxes she checks for you. Just because she looks great doesn’t mean she checks the boxes. Stop putting looks on a pedestal and concern yourself with the more important qualities, like loyalty, sense of humor, intelligence, ambition and confidence.
3- Masculinity is not a crime: Do not ever apologize for being attracted to her. You are a straight man that’s out on the town looking to meet a woman for a sexual relationship. If you think she is a beautiful woman, it is because you are naturally attracted to her. Your body is wired for this, because you are programmed to find a mate and reproduce. So many times, men are overly concerned about being nice and respectful, and in the end they pussify themselves and apologize for their masculine DNA. If you’re into her, let her know it unapologetically. She will respect you more because you are honest, brave and overall alpha. Being a testosterone-fueled gentleman is not a crime. It is biology and nature at work.
– Your Big Bro