Growing up, I remember hearing guys talk about how they were “chasing tail” among other statements glorifying the “thrill of the hunt”. While a successful bar pickup can be exhilarating and prideful for a young man, it’s actually a harmful activity if it becomes regular behavior. In no way is this piece meant to hate on successful “pickup artists”. I myself was once one of them, and today I realize how this behavior hurt me in the short term by delaying my growth as a man. Looking back, I wish someone had pointed out the five ways you improve when you don’t chase women.
I respect ‘the game’, but only when applied correctly and efficiently. As author Neil Strauss pointed out in his best-selling book “The Game”, pickup game is most effective when creating opportunities for men who otherwise wouldn’t get them. In no way should it be a long term lifestyle. Here are five ways your life will improve when you stop “chasing” women.
“If you treat her like a celebrity, she’ll treat you like a fan”.
Paradigm shift. When you’re the one doing the chasing, the person you’re chasing is the “prize” by default. The frame of the entire interaction is predicated upon the idea that you must convince her of your worthiness to persuade her to “hook up” with you. When you dissect this, there are multiple foundational flaws that should be corrected immediately.
One, what are you basing her value on? Strictly looks and body language. You know nothing else about her. Second, you are assuming she needs to be convinced or persuaded to give you a shot. Shouldn’t you demonstrate value and tell yourself that you are just as much the “prize” as she is? If you are a man of value and conviction, you already stand out from the majority of soft, needy beta males in our society. Third, you are placing her value above yours without any knowledge of her true nature. There’s more to relationships than a pretty face and a sexy outfit.
Use of Time. Sadly, our time on this planet is limited, and your time as a young man goes by even faster than you think. Before you know it, you’ll be in your mid thirties with a wife, kids, mortgage and job; all of which you’ll be very challenged to detach from. There will be less time to work on yourself.
Take the time now to level up and improve in all ways. Physical fitness, intellectual growth, new skills, and travel should take priority over trivial sexual conquests. Your value will consistently increase, making you a stronger, more interesting and disciplined man than ever before. Do this now before you’re too distracted to even pick up a book by Jocko Willink or take a course by Robin Sharma. Focusing on yourself will help you attract the best of the world. That includes women, friends, jobs and money. Your future self will thank you.
Connection over stats. What’s going to enrich your life more? A bunch of women doing the walk of shame out of your apartment every week, or spending time with someone who can share experiences with you and teach you things about yourself? The answer is obvious. While I am not opposed to guys having their “single phase” and having some fun, it’s imperative they consciously avoid continuing this behavior for an extended period of time.
It’s much better to find someone you connect with and date them exclusively than to be the conductor of the “ho train” and sleep with a bunch of noncommittal women. Serious relationships will give you perspective into what you actually need from a relationship, and give you context for deciding who to settle down with eventually. Guys who base their own value on the number of women they bed are clearly not the sharpest tools in the shed. Talk about a shallow existence.
Quality control. When dating, you want to avoid women who will harm you. STDs, unplanned pregnancies, gold diggers, emotional manipulators, liars, cheaters and perpetual victims will do serious harm to your life. The more women you are involved with, the greater the chance that one of these destructive forces will slip through the front door and wreak havoc upon your mostly normal life. The damage can range from a funny story you’ll tell your buddies one day, to catastrophic and life altering. Control who you allow into your life.
The moment you “stick it in her, be prepared to stick around“, because strange things can happen. You may not be able to remove her from your life as easily as you may hope. An unplanned pregnancy can do that. So can a false rape charge. Some STDs last for life and do terrible damage to your health. Others can kill you. The choice is entirely yours, so you’ve got to be prepared to own the consequences of your actions. Err on the side of caution here and minimize your chances of a temptress destroying your life.
Non-Neediness and Attraction. The number one rule of attraction is understanding attraction is not a choice; it either exists, or it doesn’t. It is not something you can force upon someone else. Knowing this, is it logical to attempt to persuade someone to date you, even if it’s apparent they are not attracted to you?
If they are attracted to you, but they’re playing hard to get for other reasons, you may believe it’s worth your time. I understand that, but now step away and look at this from a different perspective. If they felt natural connection and attraction for you, they would act on it. If something is holding them back from a normal start to a relationship, that element will likely rear it’s ugly head in the future. Only pursue the relationship if it feels natural. No games, no bullshit. For some methods of being less needy, check out this article.
Don’t ever let anyone waste your time. Good luck out there gents!
– Your Big Bro